So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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