if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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