Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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