when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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