Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
This toilet bowl is my home.
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