I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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