Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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