Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
