You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
