Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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