Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
