Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
