if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
