you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
