My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
