It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
