Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
