i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
