Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I would ride that face into the sunset
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
