i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
