I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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