We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize