Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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