OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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