i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
