the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
