This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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