You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
