So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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