six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
two words: eviction party
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
