I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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