True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
