I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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