I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
