Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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