I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
