mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
