The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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