got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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