I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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