No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I just want nice things and good sex
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
