Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
