we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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