hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
