I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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