I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
