dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
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