so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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