he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
