I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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