I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
