i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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