Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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