He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
