walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
