please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
