he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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