Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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