i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
