Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
